Why the beginning matters: Lilia Khousnoutdinova on childbirth, a woman’s transformation into a mother, and our relationship with life and death

This episode is exceptional for me in a few ways. Not only because of the topics it touches on, but also because of who I recorded it with. My guest is Lilia Khousnoutdinova, a historian and political scientist, a guide in rites of passage, and the founder of the Propolis 33 foundation fund. She is also my wife and someone who has long been opening up conversations about subjects that are often barely discussed, if at all.

We spoke about childbirth as a pivotal life moment. About how it is not only a child who is born, but a mother as well. About what triggers fear in a woman and what, on the contrary, supports a sense of safety. And why the way we come into the world can influence how we later experience trust, closeness, and life itself. We also touched on death and mortality, because when we forget them, we start taking life for granted.

This conversation with Lilia is the final episode of the first season of the Talks 21 podcast. After this episode, we’re taking a short break. Good things need time to grow. After the pause, we’ll be back with more conversations with inspiring people who have something to say about how we live, how we make decisions, and how we think about the world around us. I can already share that we’ll be recording in the USA as well.

If you’d like something to listen to while you wait for the next season, go back to all the previous episodes of Talks 21 in the meantime. Each one opens up a different theme, but they’re connected by the same effort to look beneath the surface and find connections where they aren’t obvious at first glance.

You can listen to the full Episode 12 of Talks 21, as well as all earlier episodes, on YouTube or directly on my website.

Key takeaways from the episode

• Childbirth isn’t just the arrival of a baby; it’s a profound transformation of a woman.

• The way we enter the world shapes our relationship with safety and trust.

• Suffering isn’t a virtue; it’s often an unnecessary cultural habit.

• Safety isn’t weakness, it’s the foundation of real strength.

• Both birth and death confront us with life’s finiteness.

• Without a relationship to our mortality, it’s hard to truly mature.

• Rites of passage give life direction and meaning.

• Postpartum care is just as important as care during pregnancy and birth.

• What we normalize at the beginning of life tends to stay with us.

Why childbirth matters more than we think

What comes to mind when you picture childbirth? A woman lying on her back. A sterile hospital room. Harsh lighting. Doctors in white coats. If you imagined any of this, you’ll probably agree it’s not exactly an image one would look forward to. It evokes more fear.

In the conversation, Lilia and I talked about why it’s important to challenge the deeply rooted stereotype that childbirth must inevitably mean suffering something that has to be “endured.” We also discussed the very concrete changes that have been achieved in practice thanks to the work of the Propolis 33 foundation. Did you know, for example, that today around 70 percent of hospitals already have birthing couches?

But this isn’t a couch in the usual sense of the word. It’s a set of soft, modular blocks that can be arranged to provide support exactly as a woman needs in that moment. She can lean on it, kneel, and change positions. She doesn’t have to remain on her back if that doesn’t suit her.

Lilia emphasized that this seemingly simple change has a surprisingly significant impact. It creates space for movement and a more natural labor course. There’s also room on the couch for a partner, who can be truly close to the woman rather than standing off to the side. And it changes the relationship between the woman and the medical staff. Everyone is closer, on the same level, without unnecessary barriers.

These are small things that don’t seem revolutionary on their own. Taken together, however, they shape how a woman feels during childbirth. Whether she experiences it as something that happens to her, or as something she actively leads. Whether she leaves feeling powerless, or with the experience of having brought new life into the world through her own strength.

Childbirth doesn’t end when you leave the maternity ward

In the conversation, we also touched on the fact that childbirth isn’t the end of one chapter, but the beginning of another. And that this is precisely where something essential is often overlooked: postpartum care.

We take great care of a pregnant woman. We monitor her, check in on her, advise her. Care during childbirth itself is similarly intensive. But then comes the moment when the woman goes home. And suddenly, she’s expected to manage on her own. To function. To breastfeed. To take care of everything. To smile. And ideally, to prove that she’s strong.

We talked about where support is missing, what consequences this can have, and why care during this period is an investment that benefits everyone. The child, the woman, the family, and society as a whole.

Lilia speaks openly about the pressure women often place on themselves. About the image of the “heroine” who handles everything effortlessly, looks put together, is strong, and needs no one. She describes this ideal as toxic and unsupportive. As making a rod for their own back. Often, because they feel they have something to prove. To themselves, to their mother, to their mother-in-law, to the people around them.

The conversation makes it clear that the postpartum period is not a time for unnecessary heroics. It’s not a time for performance. The postpartum period itself is an act of heroism. And when a woman is simply resting, healing, breastfeeding, and being with her baby, she is doing exactly what she should be doing. Nothing more should be expected of her at that moment. And as a society, we should do everything we can to give her the space and capacity to do just that.

Facing our own mortality

During our conversation, we also touched on a topic that isn’t discussed much in connection with childbirth: mortality. Lilia says that even though childbirth is, thanks to modern healthcare, safe in most cases today, it can still place a person face-to-face with the fragility of life.

I was also struck by a historical parallel she mentions. In the past, men went off to war, and women gave birth. Both meant confronting the fact that life isn’t guaranteed. It is precisely this kind of experience that moves a person inwardly and helps them mature.

That raises a question: where do men encounter their own mortality today? Where do they have the chance to go through a similar rite of passage? We’ve lost many of the traditional rituals that once provided that. We moved childbirth into sterile environments, and we pushed death out of our homes. In doing so, we’ve distanced ourselves from both ends of life.

We agreed that men today often look for these thresholds elsewhere. For example, through time in nature, darkness retreats, or a so-called vision quest. These can offer situations where they consciously step out of their comfort zone and, much like women in childbirth, discover reserves of strength they didn’t know they had.

Listen to Episode 12 of Talks 21

We covered much more than what you’ve read here. Are you curious what it’s like to leave at seventeen to study at Oxford? What Lilia considers truly essential in conscious parenting, and what she wants to pass on to our children? Or how much the environment matters during childbirth, and how Lilia views home births? Then don’t miss the full Episode 12 of the Talks 21 podcast. You can listen on YouTube or directly on my website.

And if you’d like to explore Lilia’s work and projects, you can find them on her website: lilia.cz.

This episode is also the final one of the first season of Talks 21. And in 21 days, exceptionally, you won’t hear from us. We’re taking a short break. But you can already look forward to new conversations; we’re preparing more meetings with inspiring guests from all around the world.

Has Talks 21 helped you see the world through slightly different eyes, or did you take away a thought that stayed with you? If so, I’d be grateful if you could rate the podcast or write a short review. Your feedback can help the conversations reach more listeners and support me in creating meaningful content.

If you’ve missed any of the earlier episodes, you can find them all on the website and listen back anytime. I especially recommend the episodes with Josef Šálek, Uria, Nassim, the Huni Kuin tribe, or the Christmas bonus episode.

And above all, thank you for being here. Thank you for being open to new ideas and different perspectives, and for seeking them out. That is exactly what Talks 21 is all about. I appreciate it.